I wrote a facebook post last week partly as a confession and partly to stick to my underlying goal of this entire blog; to be authentic. It all started when I kept hearing from other people "you are super mom" The scariest part was some of these people were serious!! (I am training for a triathlon with 3 kids who are 5 and under, but seriously that doesn't make me a super hero -- that makes me crazy.) I get why people might think I have it all together, I thrive on busyness and I take on tasks that are lot, but this season I have taken on too much and it has started to unravel me. So the goal of my original post and the following post was and is to say I am NO super hero, super mom or anything even close..... I am a hot mess .... BUT Jesus loves this hot mess.
Below is a the original facebook post if you missed it and want to catch up
There was an interesting response to the post. Most were very supportive and cheering me on in terms of opening up and admitting that I just was not 100%. There are a few, and will always be especially generationally, who will never understand being open about certain things. There is a long history that taught 'dont talk about your problems, dont air your dirty laundry' and there is a lot of people who are not going to change their mentality on that. People have their own experiences with mental health and it is not always positive and I get that me putting it all out there is mind boggling. It is funny because I try to be such an advocate for mental health in our day and age, and that is where I will always be coming from; so I felt it was very contradictory and hypocritical for me to be struggling myself and keep it in and go on not talking about it..
I opened up a lot in the first post, and will get into a lot more details below in this post about where I am at emotionally and mentally, which wasn't a good place. The goal was to be transparent, but also something else extremely important. It is not to complain, or make people worry-because although yes I am not doing well-I am still able to take care of my family and be a person in society, some days it is just harder to get through than others. That is the ultimate goal of anything I do, to bring it back to the one who deserves the attention; God. That as crappy and sucky of a place I am journeying through-that there is nothing God will not save me from and walk me through-this situation included.
Mental health is a funny thing. Its a roller coaster and not something that is linear. One moment can be fine, the next can be bad, the next after that can be okay again. Thats why I feel like its hard to spot in people, especially with me. Today as I write this specific post, is a rough day. My kids are being extra difficult, they are fighting, being defiant to me, creating huge messes in the house which really ampes up my anxiety when every single thing in the house is a disaster. It has just been one thing after another that has been piling on, just getting my kids into the car was a 15 minute ordeal which left us all in tears. In reality, their behaviour is likely a direct result of what life is like right now. Mom is clearly not doing okay (I am pretty positive my 5 year old thinks I have lost it) and that creates an environment of uncertainty. Dad is been gone for weeks now, they have only been seeing him for 5 minutes a day or sometimes not even if he gets home after they are in bed. This is bound to create a rough season for them, and since they are only 3 and 5, their behaviour is how this presents itself. It all makes sense, but I also feel guilty because I play a role in that and as much as I am working on trying to feel better, its a process and I cant just snap out of it as much as I so deeply desire too. After this really difficult morning of kids being crazy, house being crazy, another day of 24 hr mom-mode, I drove around my town frustrated and letting all these little things work me up. Like the driver who was driving like a citiot (sorry city ppl i love ya but today- i couldn't handle you) and I just broke. I unravelled and just cried. I forgot my oldest daughter had a bday party and called my husband to say I would be late coming out to our old house (the one he is renovating) And the moment I started talking I turned into a blubbering mess. (side note; if my husband wasnt sure I had lost it, he does now..... he was trying to connect the dots because he had missed the whole morning of build up and was like 'so your upset she has a birthday party? haha it was kind of funny in hindsight although my response was a tear filled response "No i have lost my mind and cant find it to get it back")
I was struggling to reach out because there was a lie being said over and over and over not to reach out. The problem is: reaching out would be bringing it to the light, and Satan has no power there. He was fighting me for a long time to just sit in this darkness where I was getting more and more upset. Finally I reached down to the bottom of my heart, where God's truth is there under all the lie's and chaos and decided to send a text to some friends and family who I know care. I want to walk you through this process because it shows more into where I was at and that God is SO good, and I want to show you that.
"I don’t actually know what to write, I seriously feel like I am being mine ninja’d to not reach out. I have no desire to reach out but the sane person hidden deep in my soul far away is making me. I feel like I am loosing my mind, I have been driving around town for over 30 minutes historically crying-for not good reason. I’m overwhelmed is the only somewhat thing I can find to describe why. I don’t know why though, I am just crying and crying. I feel like I’m loosing my mind, I have never felt so unhinged, so unable to control my emotions or thoughts. I have been trying to reach out and run to God like I would normally do but i feel like I have shackles on every part of me and lies are just consuming my brain and I can’t do anything. I actually feel like I’ve been taken hostage by Satan who has just taken me captive when I was vulnerable and I just don’t know what to do, who to talk to-to open up to. All I know is I’m not okay, not okay at all. All to say can you pray for me, even though I am believing lies that aren’t true I KNOW God has got me, I know his truth and I KNOW prayer works so this is me reaching out again cuz I’m so freaked out by what my life and brain are like right now and I feel like I will never be ok again"
I want to share with you some lovely responses from my people, my warriors.
"This will pass-I promise! This will get better. God is always BIGGER than Satan-ALWAYS!!!"
"slow your breathing, breath in and out to the count of four"
"We are praying, God is in control, Get in his word. The mind can be a scary thing, his word always calms me. If not completely, at least to the point of sanity. He has you. Let him in'
"Oh my goodness; I am on it!!! Thanks for reaching out- prayer is powerful and in times we are not strong enough to pray for ourselves, letting other people intercede for us is huge! "
"One thing I like to do is take a stack of cards. Write a separate lie that you are telling yourself on every one. Flip it over and one by one write the truth on the back whether you fully believe that truth in the moment or not. Keep them with you for awhile. It can take some of the mentally energy out of “talking to yourself and not letting self talk to you” when you are exhausted."
I then drove my to my friends house who saw me crying as I got out and held me and prayed over me, then she took my daughter to the birthday party for me.
I wanted to include all these for a few very important reasons. One I wanted to show you the importance of having prayer warriors who are willing to go into the trenches with you when things aren't sunshine and roses. Another reason is the importance of having wise people in your life, ones that will redirect you back to God's truth when you are having trouble finding it on your own-or have the help of an enemy trying to get you lost.
Someone asked me something very important: What are the lie's you are believing right now. Answering the question was important because I really needed to figure that out for myself. To let you in deeper into the spiderweb of lie's I am caught in I felt it important to include that in this post.
Cope with things like a glass of wine, or binge on chocolate and you will feel better
The person who asked me to write out these lie's didnt just leave it there. I asked permission to include the response because it was so spot on I couldn't have put this into better words.
"K so let’s address the lies. You have a huge ministry in the area of mental health. So it is truly no surprise that Satan would try to attack you in this area. Especially when you are in a vulnerable time, it makes me so mad actually!! The truth is “you have not been given a spirit of fear but of power and love and a SOUND MIND”!!!!
That you don’t have people who care is such a huge lie- I have never seen someone with so many friends, parents etc involved and wanting to do whatever they can for you- it seems like you’re always with friends. People adore you!! It is hard cause I feel like this stage of life everyone is really busy with their own families but that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. I don’t really know what I can do for you tangibly but I’m always a text away or a FaceTime call to pray with you/remind you of truth!!
I feel like with junk food and wine, those are temporary fixes that when you’re just having a bit of a rough day are enough to relax you which is helpful. But aren’t the answer obviously and another way Satan will try to get you to come overindulge and then you feel bad after and he throws lies at you like “you have no self-control”, and lies about your body etc! He is vicious and no mercy. But like a wise person once said... BUT GOD!!! He is bigger than all the lies and loves you too much to let you continue believing them"
So I wrote this all out, shared raw moments of my days with you because yes I wanted to relate to other mama's who have or are struggling post partumly or mentally with or without babies/kids- because I am in the trenches with you. But I dont want to just stay there. I want to bring light that I believe the one who is going to get me through, put the people in my life that will support me through will be there is only Jesus; that ultimately I wont stay in this darker season of my life, and that he is the one who will help me get out. Like I have said over and over, transparency is super important to me. I want to leave you with this because saying 'this is a rough season, or I am struggling' can be translated to people in so many ways especially based on their own personal experience with mental health. Some people get that I am just trying to be open and honest with where I am at and to others, posts like this can be worrisome and concerning to where I am truly at.
Am I going through a rough season? Yes
Am I going to be okay? Yes
Am I in any danger or my kids? Absolutely not?
Do I have great supportive people in my life, ones who if things were truly not okay, they would be stepping in right away? Absolutely.
Do I have moments where things overwhelm me that try and paralyze me? Yes
Do I have moments where I love my life, enjoy every apect of my kiddos and forget all my issues? Yes!
As I was writing this out, my lovely therapist got word I was having a rough day and called me. She is a Christian therapist that is very well versed in spiritual attacks and reminded me what I need to be doing when having the rough moments, the attacks, on the battlefield. I feel like this is actually the most important part of this entire post, so please if you take ANYTHING-take this! Here are a few ways she reminded me on how to fight in the midsts of a spiritual attack
Praise -->change your atmosphere, put christian music on and change the environment you are in
Read Scripture out-loud --> If you look back to even when Jesus was talking to Satan, he was quoting Scripture to him, and the bible tells us the word is our sword and we need to use it as our weapon against the darts and lies. It is extremely important to be reading and saying these out loud, as Satan CANNOT read our mind, so saying them in our head is not helpful in using this as a weapon.
Our words and thoughts --> By saying things like 'Im overwhelmed' is harmful to ourselves and allows us to be brought down by the enemy. It is important to say "NO, I dont receive that. I rebuke in Jesus name. I am a child of God and he has given me a sound mind. Again, this is important and crucial to profess out-loud because their is only power when we say this to Satan and not just in our heads to ourselves.
I will leave you with this wonderful truth my wonderful coucillor sent me in an email because its the perfect way to end off this long post:
Christianity is called the great confession, but most Christians who are defeated in life are defeated because they believe and confess the wrong things.
They have spoken the words of the enemy, and those words hold them in bondage. Proverbs 6:2 says, "You are snared by the words of your mouth; You are taken by the words of your mouth."
FAITH FILLED WORDS WILL PUT YOU OVER. FEAR FILLED WORDS WILL DEFEAT YOU. WORDS ARE THE MOST POWERFUL THING IN THE UNIVERSE.
If you are going through a rough season, I am here to say I am with you. If you know someone going through a rough season, barge into their life and walk with them because they wont ask, and if they reach out, it is still very hard to face it all and will still want to act like they dont need you-they do. This post more than other's really proves the name of this blog true 'THE STRUGGLE IS REAL'