Have you and your spouse ever had a fight that you just couldn’t drop? Have you ever struggled to stop holding onto the anger and moving on with life. I struggle with this at times, ok way more often than I'd like to admit!
When my and my husband argue, usually due to lack of communication on something, sometimes I just let it get the best of me. I fly off the handle, say many unnecessary things and sometimes just cant find it in me to get over it once he apologized. The worst part is I am aware of how pointless it is, how I eventually need to get over it and move on with life because it is not that big of a deal. But I struggle to get myself there.
After the movie War Room came out I read the book FERVENT by Priscillia Shirer (Amazing book, click link to read it.) She makes a comment in it that has stuck with me, it says ‘your spouse is not the enemy' When you battle with your spouse it is from satan and that’s who the fight needs to be with.’ There are times I can wrap my head around this and times my emotions get the best of me, I’m definitely not perfect. It really helps me when the little things happen and helps me remember who the true enemy is and that fighting with my husband is giving into him!
So even when you don’t feel like doing this, do your absolute best to try these tactics when you find yourself holding on when deep down you know you need to just get over it.
Pray for them
I have done this grinding my teeth because I didn’t want to…but needed to. It softens your heart, it helps break down the walls the enemy puts up trying to tear your godly marriage apart.
Write down truths
This really helped the last time I was struggling. It’s tangible and active. Write down the truths you know about your spouse. For me last time I had to write down ‘my husband does not want to intentionally hurt me, he may have been thoughtless but his desire is never to hurt me’ It really helps you compartmentalize the situation that’s upsetting you vs who your spouse truly is.
Ask for forgiveness first
This calls for a huge slice of humble pie. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have come first, even if I was not wrong initially, to ask forgiveness for my role. Whether I was involved in the thing that caused the argument or my reaction onceit began. It is so important to take the first step, regardless of if your pride is telling you ‘you were wronged’ ‘you have every right to be upset’ ‘your spouse needs to apologize first’ These words are worldly justifications. The goal of marriage is to make it to those rocking chairs together and then onto eternity, so don’t let the little arguments get in the way of that.
Dont have the last word
This is where your pride, stubbornness and all our ugliest qualities rear their heads. My mom always used to tell me to bite my tongue, that it wasn’t worth it to have the last word. I failed every time. This is my biggest struggle. To NOT say that last dig, the last hurtful comment to seal the deal-to win the argument. Here is the key: the goal in marital fights is not to win! If you win, your marriage looses. It’s not worth it.
I know now that none of these things are easy. It wasnt long ago I was in the midst of those feelings of not wanting to be part of the solution and giving into my sin nature and it will forsure happen again. But we, myself included, have to intentionally look at the big picture, the end goal and find strength from God deep beyond the enemy’s lies and find a way to get over my ‘feelings’ and humbly come and be apart of getting over it together and enjoy life together again. I encourage you to try these the next time your emotions and feelings try to take over a situation, I bet you will be surprised to see how the situation turns out.