I want this post to be raw and real and an honest look into what the past 9 months have been preparing for baby # 4, in a way that many may feel but would never admit, let alone write a blog about. But if you have followed me for any length of time, you know I will always share the good, the bad and the ugly and NEVER be fake or inauthentic, So here it goes....

When we got pregnant with our first baby, it was exciting and terrifying. The pregnancy was anxiety ridden; several times I had dr's tell me to go home and just wait to lose the baby. At 15 weeks I was put on bed rest and pretty much stayed there for the next million weeks (or so it felt)
As scary as it all was, our first little girl was born healthy and challenging from the get go.

Our second pregnancy was exciting, because a sibling! They were going to be close together, and then we found out it was going to be a girl and everyone was happy and excited.

We then moved across the country, our life completely fell apart and unraveled and we spent the next years riding a wild roller coaster of up's and downs. When things were more calm, I really was desiring another baby. My husband was d-o-n-e. Our girls were challenging and we had our hands full. After a lot of discussions and negotiations, we compromised on one more baby....and because God is nice, that baby was a boy!
The interesting thing about that pregnancy was it actually took us a long time to even get pregnant; I found out I had PCOS which was affecting me getting pregnant and the specialist I was seeing told me I would need to take medication to even get pregnant. That alone was a hard choice because I wasnt sure how I felt about intervening just to have another baby. The dr made it seem pretty simple so I got all these prescriptions filled and then he told me I would have to take daily needles and all this stuff (basically similar process to IVF at the beginning) I really didnt understand it was going to be THAT intense. He told me I had to take a pregnancy test before I started medication so the first morning I did so, and it came back positive....and we were all like whhhaaatttt?
It took over a year to get pregnant with Matthew our little baby boy.

So now there we were; 2 girls, 1 boy and life was going. Lorne made jokes about how he would never have 4 kids, I made jokes about how I dreamed of 4 kids and then SURPRISE......a positive test came into our lives to change the trajectory of it forever.

Here's the thing. This was not part of the plan. I get it, we dont control these things. But both Lorne and I are planners.....and this was NOT part of the plan!!! (please imagine 2 adult temper tantrums commencing)

Here's the other thing; apparently when you announce your 4th pregnancy to people, they have no filter to share how they feel about it or how you should feel about it. I can't quite tell you all the reactions we got, but I will say this: 9/10 were not entirely positive.....I think at the beginning I got 2 congratulations.
Unconsciously, I started to stop telling people. I started to get tired of other's reactions and comments because not only were they not asked for, I was tying to adjust to the whole thing myself....and our family (Lorne, I and kids) were also trying to adjust to this and adding other people's opinions and reactions were making things so much worse. So for about 10 weeks, I literally stopped telling anyone new. I actually dont think I publicly announcing the baby until I was close to 20 weeks pregnant.
(By the way, not blaming anyone or saying people were rude or horrible but overwhelmed for us and concerned because they know we dont do well with change or new plans)

Finally we did announce it (also I couldn't really hide it either) There were more positive reactions on a bigger scale once we announced it to a larger population of people in our life, but still it never felt 'all positive'

As you many have seen, I have continued to workout and do triathlons and a lot of things in this pregnancy that I a) didnt do in another of my other pregnancies and b) most pregnant women dont bother doing. It was a really positive coping skill for me, as exercise always has been and always will be.

The real and raw perspective I want to bring to the table and share, is that this pregnancy has been VERY different comparatively to the other 3 I have had. There has been a lot of struggles that have come up, AND a lot of emotional and mental things we have been dealing with this past summer (that is unrelated to the baby but has put enormous pressure and stress on our marriage and family.....oh and hormones do NOT help your coping skills when that is going on)

I have begin to wonder if any other women or moms have felt this. The struggle to accept a pregnancy, to accept the very permanent change it brings to a family, the struggle to allow themselves to be fully excited. I wonder if other mom's have felt this but just dont share, or if Im just a crazy pregnant mama. It is so backwards to share this. Many people can't have children. Many people only view this blessing and miracle and trust me when I say I dont view this child as a blessing and a miracle....OR that I wont love this child unconditionally. But the journey has been tough, and I felt like writing about my experience may make another mom feel less alone if they are feeling similarly.

When we found out the gender of the baby, as you will see below, it was not the 'picture perfect equal gendered family' I thought we would have. And yes I struggled to accept that even!
It took a little bit to even accept that, let go of my expectations and need/desire for control and get over it. And yes I got over it.

Maybe in your judging me or shame me for all this, but I am just being honest. Being authentic and real is the only way I operate so Im not writing this all to hear your opinion, but to be truthful and share the journey I have gone through over the past 35 weeks.

We are now in the home stretch, weeks away from meeting this new little babe that will bless our family to the point we will never be able to imagine our family without. We will love and cherish this baby. We will be thankful for this baby. We will be grateful for this baby. Believe it or not but you can struggle through something and still be thankful for it. You can work through things and be able to overcome them and come out on the other side. So just because this baby threw us for a huge loop, doesnt mean anything about how loved and cared for this child will be. It is okay to allow yourself to feel the emotions, work through why they are coming up and be able to walk out the other side healthier and stronger.

So now, the moment you really have been waiting for, and the only reason you MIGHT have read everything above: The Gender Reveal!!!